Musings from the Chrysalis

Apr 16, 2020 | Blog

My friends,

I’m so sensitive, as I imagine you are, to this profound time of collective stopping. What a remarkable pausing in multi-layered uncertainty.

How is it for you, I wonder? It’s been a confrontational time for me, personally. An edgy and earthy time. I feel somewhat stilled inside this chrysalis. Projects that were on the brink of launching before this began have been replaced by a quiet listening.

What’s really true to say now, to sell now, to share, to give away and to contribute towards this wild, rapidly evolving mix?

The agitated collective discussion around what’s real, what true, what’s the cause, and what will be the outcome—as natural and perhaps necessary as this is—captivates me far less than the vast, annihilating invitation of simply not knowing.

I feel humbled and grounded by the necessary simplification of my daily life. Parenting and schooling and cooking and cleaning consume much of each day.

There’s an immense and sobering beauty to all this, a sacred surrendering to what’s here. Heightened presence and prayer and weeping at the altar are common responses of my heart.

And there are moments when it all feels a bit disorienting and disconcerting. When my mind collides with various vulnerable unknowns and the knees of my heart buckle.

There are moments when I’m certain I’m losing it; certain we’ve lost our way. Moments of feeling old troubles resurface and new troubles sprout. Moments of feeling frustratingly unproductive.

Every day I’m literally stunned by the beauty of the earth. Every day I’m puzzled by the mess of the world. I’m relieved by the smallest assurances of human sanity and kindness and I’m always delighted to remember stillness.

Both of my kids have taken to falling asleep in my arms again, after a long stretch of choosing not to. They’re each saying now they just sleep better if they can drift off inside my holding. What a simple wonder this is—to hold and to be held. (I send my love out to all who are needing touch and holding at this time. And also love to all the holders!)

As I lie there in the dark of their rooms listening to their breath deepen, I notice how big and heavy they’ve each become beneath my wing. They used to tuck in so small. So much has changed since they were my nurslings, sweetly tangled in the fleshy, milky fold of my loving. But their unwavering trust, and my unwavering devotion carries the exact same scent.

I notice I sleep better when I can drift off inside my own tender embrace. Both hands firmly upon my heart, tucked beneath some grand wing of faith, bowing towards some tremendous willingness. With unwavering trust. Unwavering devotion.

In my dreams I’m traveling through worlds, weaving and unweaving webs, tending to codes. I always seem to know my place and my task and my team. Then I rise and wake with my people, and tend to the webs and tasks of this place and this team. What a sacred task indeed: to be wholly present for this transformational moment of our living.

To listen to what’s being asked of our global heart, our collective heart, our familial heart, our personal heart. What do we really want? What’s up for revision? What’s here simply to be felt? What’s wise to question? What needs to be surrendered? What yearns to be embraced?

To listen, respond and attend to each moment as it arises. So often I find the best and most honest response I can choose is to open wider, to burn cleanly, to breathe, to grieve, to allow, to let go, to praise, and to love.

Certainly this can be an extraordinary time of deepening, of evolution and revolution, on all levels of life. May it be so! It starts right here, in this moment, in this heart of our hearts, in my heart and in your heart.

What else can I say? Every step and every breath I take is in this love—with you and for you.

Continued prayers of wellness, peace and protection for us all. And true freedom for all beings, everywhere.

~*~ Jesua

Facebook Comments

More Blog Posts

Dream Prayer: Loving The Thief

Heading into prayer space this weekend. So deeply grateful to have the chance to gather with kindreds around the flame and sit with what is churning in our hearts, and in the great heart of our world in these tender, troubling times.I had a potent dream a couple of nights ago that I am still working with deeply. The dream was about my car (a common symbol for me) getting stolen by an irreverent, narcissistic, nonchalant and arrogant drug-lord thief! I tried everything to get the thief to give m […]

Birthing A Star

This morning as I lay in my bed in the dark, gently transitioning into the new day, I saw the light pouring out through the crack of Ezra’s bedroom door, which shares a wall with my own bedroom.

I stretched my ears to listen to the most marvelous sound~ a sound that is deeply familiar to me by now~ of him […]

My Grandmother, The Queen

My beloved Grandmother, my mother’s mother, Dorothy Dannenbaum Rudolph, fondly known by us all as “Dede,” passed on from this world late last night at the seasoned age of 94.

She died in the comfort of her own home, in her own bed, with her two loving daughters by her side. She had been […]

“Come In”

Tonight I go to tuck Ezra (7.5) into bed, and there’s a little handwritten note taped to his door that says: “Come in.”
I walk into his room and find him already in his bed, lying there quietly in the dark, waiting for me.
He asks, somberly: “Did you see the note?”
I say: “Yes, I did!”
He says, still serious in tone: “So that’s why you came in?”
I chuckle a little and say: “Yes, that’s why I came in.”
He asks: “Did you see the *first* note I put on my door?”
I say: “No I didn’t. What did it say?”
He responds: “It said: ‘Do not come in.’”
I say with surprise: […]

Mother

For Mother’s Day today I wrote to my mother:

“My dear, beautiful, amazing Mom!!

Happy Mother’s day!! I love you so much. What a lucky life I live with you as my mother!! 

If you knew all the moments my heart beats with sheer gratitude for who you are, and how you show up in this world, and in my life specifically, along with the […]

Retrograde Mama Morning

This morning was one of those mornings where it was quite clear that all the retrograde planets were colliding and exploding in my very home! Ezra’s alarm didn’t go off at 6 am as he was expecting it to, disrupting his cherished self-made morning rhythm of showering and playing early, before Arayla and I rise, so he can claim his 7-year-old space and his center.

And so I woke […]

The Thankless Job~ & How It Invites Us To BE The Thanks

I remember one time, when my kids were much smaller, maybe 5 and 2 years old, we had just gotten over a horrendous family stomach flu. You know the kind~ where just like dominos, everyone goes down? One by one, everyone is violently, grossly sick, all over the house. And then, after scrubbing the bathrooms and doing 15 loads of laundry and taking care of everyone for days, finally the Mom gets it too?

I distinctly remember speaking to my dear mother at the time over […]

​Sandcastle Lessons for Tenacity, Generosity and Surrender!

Enjoying a glorious beach day yesterday in Point Reyes with the children and our beautiful puppy, I had the luxury of just sitting there, quietly, soaking in the abundance of beauty~ while witnessing them all playing in the sand together, my gorgeous beach-loving little ones.

Towards the end of our time I noticed the kids were intently focused on building a sandcastle together, but […]

A Birthing Day

Last night I curled up with my beloved girl at bedtime, on her 11th birthday eve, stroking her long, auburn hair, massaging her sweet golden shoulders. I snuggled in to tell her, lingeringly, in annual ritual fashion, the glorious and epic story of her body’s birth...

Unconditional

Several weeks ago, one night at bedtime, my son Ezra (7) got overly exhausted and intensely triggered, and in his fury he yelled at me, viciously: “You aren’t even my MOM!!” And then, fuming, spitting, he said: “You are such a fucking!!”

I felt astonishingly calm in the face of his foul-mouthed rage. In fact, I found myself […]